Whats Love Got to Do With It? Surviving Narcissistic Abuse

Betrayal, Manipulation, and the Journey to Reclaiming Myself

What happens when the person you care about the most becomes the one who causes you the deepest pain?

For five years, I was in a relationship with Spencer, my ex-fiancé. He seemed like my best friend—someone I could trust, someone I built my life around. But eventually, the cracks started to show, and I realized this relationship wasn’t what I thought it was.

The moment I knew I was in a narcissistic abusive relationship was when I saw how everything felt one-sided. His needs, his priorities, and his agenda always took center stage. When he pretended to “understand” me, it was only to manipulate or control me. I also started to recognize the cycle of reactive abuse—how he would provoke emotional reactions from me and then use them against me, making me question my own sanity. He drained my time and energy, slowly pulling me away from the things that mattered most in my life.

What is Betrayal Trauma?

Betrayal trauma happens when you trust someone with your vulnerabilities, believing they won’t use them against you—only for them to do exactly that. You spend so much of your life protecting yourself, carefully choosing who gets close, and then the moment you let someone in, the unthinkable happens. You don’t understand how you could be so careful and still get hurt.

But what makes betrayal trauma even more painful is the self-betrayal. It forces you to look at all the times you ignored your own needs, put others first, and stayed in situations that went against your own intuition. The emotional weight of that realization is unbearable—betrayal, resentment, abandonment, confusion, shame, loneliness, self-doubt, guilt. I felt stuck, unable to trust my own decisions, trapped in a cycle of self-blame and fear.

These emotions showed up in my daily life in ways I never expected. I fell into old coping mechanisms—overeating to self-soothe, just like I did as a kid, and turning to substances to escape the pain of reality. I withdrew from people who cared about me, afraid they would hurt me too. I lost trust in myself, in my ability to judge character, and in my ability to make decisions I could stand by.

Recognizing Patterns and Breaking the Cycle

The turning point came when I saw the deeper pattern—this wasn’t just about Spencer. The dynamics between us mirrored something much older: my childhood.

I started to recognize the more covert forms of manipulation that I had once been blind to. My relationship with Spencer helped me finally understand my father’s second marriage. His new wife was just as controlling, just as manipulative—only much subtler. I had been naive to these tactics before, but now I could see them clearly.

Growing up, my father always tried to “keep the peace,” but in reality, he was enabling toxic behavior. He protected the abuser instead of the one being hurt. As a child, I didn’t have the words to explain what was happening, and I didn’t even recognize I was being mistreated by my stepmother. But now, I see it for what it was.

These kinds of people exploit those around them to get their own unmet childhood needs met. Instead of realizing they’re adults and taking responsibility for themselves, they manipulate and control others to feel in charge. But at what cost? Their need for control poisons relationships, damages the people around them, and creates cycles of pain that repeat for generations.

The Power of Listening and Seeing Through Manipulation

One of the greatest lessons I learned from this experience was how to recognize manipulative patterns early on. I started to see how manipulators and people-pleasers feed into each other. The more I observed, the more I realized—people will always tell on themselves. You just have to listen.

Manipulators reveal their true intentions through their words and actions. They test boundaries in small ways, seeing what they can get away with. And when they show you who they are, you have to believe them the first time. Learning to stay silent, listen, and watch their patterns allowed me to finally break free from the cycle.

Holding People Accountable for Their Actions

If someone feels shame when you hold them accountable for hurtful behavior, that is not the same as you shaming them.

I had to learn that I am responsible for holding people accountable in a respectful and productive way, but I am not responsible for their emotional reaction to that accountability.

Sometimes, no matter how much you love someone, you have to let them experience the consequences of their own actions. Painful as it may be, it’s the only way some people ever learn.

You Learn A Lot About People by What They Lack

• If they lack accountability, they’ll shift the blame.

• If they lack communication skills, they’ll say you’re arguing.

• If they lack emotional intelligence, they’ll say you’re too sensitive.

• If they lack self-awareness, they’ll criticize others for the very flaws they possess.

• If they lack honesty, they’ll distort the truth to fit their narrative.

• If they lack boundaries, they’ll overstep yours.

• If they lack integrity, they’ll justify their wrongdoings.

Setting Boundaries is Not About Controlling Others

Setting boundaries is not about telling someone what they are going to do. It’s about telling them what you’re going to do if the behavior doesn’t change.

Sharing Emotions in a Healthy Way

A mistake many people make in relationships is only sharing their feelings as a reaction to their partner’s emotions. They hold things in, repress their thoughts, and then explode the moment their partner brings something up.

But yelling and blaming are not the same as communicating. Saying “let me tell you why you’re wrong” is not the same as saying “let me tell you how I feel.” When you only express yourself in reaction to someone else’s emotions, it doesn’t create connection—it creates conflict.

Disrespect vs. Respect

A lot of people confuse disrespect with disobedience.

Disagreement is not disrespect. Only a fragile person would think it is. True partnerships welcome differences of opinion.

When someone says, “You will not disrespect me,” what they often mean is, “You will not challenge me.” That fear of being challenged ruins relationships because it drains the intimacy out of them. When you are more concerned with being right than with hearing the other person, the relationship is already broken.

Our society has conditioned people to believe that disagreeing is the same as being disrespectful. But in reality, this obsession with “disrespect” is often just a way to avoid accountability.

Reclaiming My Power and Moving Forward

Looking back, I realize that the grief I felt wasn’t just about losing Spencer. It was about losing the version of myself that trusted so easily, the part of me that believed love alone was enough to fix things. But I now know that love without respect, trust, and accountability isn’t love at all.

The version of me that I lost isn’t gone forever—he’s still inside me. But now, he’s wiser. Stronger. He knows that his worth is not measured by what he gives to others but by how he honors himself.

Everything I need to feel whole has always been within me.

And now, I trust myself enough to never settle for anything less than the love, respect, and authenticity I deserve.